You don't NEED me to do ANYTHING

Roger Hislop

It’s really simple. If you want someone to do something, you ask them. If you insist they do something, insist. If you hold power of life or death over them, order.

But stop 'needing'. An awful, passive-aggressive and underhand construction has leaked into our language in the past few years, and it is (as our marketing brethren like to say) ‘gaining traction’.

You’ve heard it already – first on American TV shows, where a bossy air hostess (oops, sorry, cabin attendant) tells the lantern-jawed hero trying to save the plane from the Ukrainian hijacker, “Sir, I need you to sit down and fasten your seat belt,” in a flinty voice that brooks no correction for diction or grammar.

Then it started to spread to almost every walk of life. I need you to send this fax for me. I need you to tell me where the gents’ toilet is. I need you to stop drinking because your boss is rolling his eyes.

Old way: “Please fill in this form.”

New way: “I need for you to fill in this form for me.”

One is a polite, but direct, request. One is passive-aggressive instruction.

One says you’d like someone to do something, one is basically a pseudo-order using a grammatical flick-flack to hide its basic bad manners.

So if you want me to approve a doc you’ve just emailed, say “Can you review this doc for me?” If you’re my boss, say “Please review this doc for me” (because even when you’re using the imperative voice you can still be polite). If you’re Kim Jong-Il, you can say whatever the hell you want. Or need.

• 2010/05/31
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